All about George.

George liked making things.

He was very good at it, indeed he had spent most of his life creating little inventions, the true virtue of which was usually only known to himself. For instance, as a child he developed and implemented a little device for the disposal of vegetables at the dinner table. It consisted of a flattened funnel which was connected to a long, wide tube, the bottom of which was tied to his leg and the top to his waistband. A quick flick of the wrist and those pesky peas were gone from sight. It didn't stand up so well to a hot cup of cocoa and neither did young George. He mothballed it until a better idea came along.

George liked to collect things. Small things that could be used to build his inventions. He combed garage sales and Op-shops, manufacturer's rubbish skips and loose change shops in his search for things he didn't know he wanted until he saw them. Lying there, waiting just for him. But no matter how hard he searched, he could not find the one thing he wanted - a marketable invention, one that would bring him fame and fortune.

He decided that some market research was called for and so set forth to find out what people wished they had, wished someone would make that they could buy. He went to church functions and movie theatres, bowling clubs and village fairs but nowhere did he hear of one special thing that could be invented and launch him as the successful inventor he knew he should be.

One day, as he sat glumly in the park watching the caretaker pick up rubbish with a spring loaded, pointy sticking-type stick (he'd invented that, you know, out of dressmaking pins and Bic biros, back in 1957) he overheard a conversation between two young women sitting on the next bench. The conversation led George to believe that what women the world over wanted (well, those with toilet seats) was an easy way of getting men to put the toilet seat down. George was astounded by this sudden input of knowledge and set off home in a rush, his mind overflowing with ideas of a new product that was sure to be a hit with at least 50% of the population.


He sat at his desk and he sketched and he drew, made notations and measurements and after only 9 days had the plans drawn up for a prototype remote operated toilet seat. He knew this one would be a winner. He just knew it. The principle was simple - equip an ordinary toilet seat with a small but very powerful motor that would lift the seat rapidly up and down at the clap of the hands, even from two rooms away. One clap to raise it (so the men wouldn't have too work too hard) and three claps to lower it (because women don't mind repeating themselves).

It was perfect.

Not only George thought so. The first lawyer he consulted smiled warmly as he insisted on helping George patent this great idea, all for a measly 40% holding in the new company he assured George he would have to form. George was gobsmacked - here was someone who though his idea was good!

And so it was. After much media hype and adulation from the scientific and engineering communities, the day of the prototype's public unveiling finally arrived and 5,000 people wathed from the packed audience as George took centre stage to demonstrate this wonderful new invention. He clapped once and the seat raised as if by magic, he clapped three times and the lid quickly and efficiently lowered itself. George repeated the performance a dozen times, then he clapped once more and sat primly upon his new throne to await the audiences reaction.

There was a stunned silence, then as one they rose and applauded, and as they did so the seat flapped up and down, up and down so fast it was almost a blur. George was pounded into a small, toilet bowl shaped lump of bleeding meat. Death came very quickly to George.

The subsequent Coroner's inquest found the cause of death to be the clap.