Tuesday, August 7, 2007

If God stopped me on the street and asked for my opinion
I'd give him a few pointers on how I'd be running MY Dominion
For starters there'd be no more wars so folks wouldn't have to die
And I'd stop birds crapping on the wing and landing in your eye.

I'd deal with famine with maintenance to make all the world a fertile place
And amalgamate the cultures to avoid bullshit based on race
Kids wouldn't learn to use their voice until they had left home
And I'd implant some device inside the brain so I didn't need to hold the phone.

I'd sort out men's stupid need to only want chicks who look hot
And make for them a mirror so that could see all that they are not
I'd instigate a concept of internal retribution
So people just punished themselves, no need for penal institutions.

Dogs and cats need some tinkering to teach them to obey
And Emo lawns to learn to cut themselves instead of growing next year's hay
Illness needs to be outlawed so people's lives aren't such a waste
And someone's gotta deal with sperm, I mean does anyone like the taste?

I'd make sure that every woman had a good man to love her well
And make sure that no-one was odoriferous and so not be put off by smell
I'd make loving something all could have so no-one would miss out
And TV sets that adjust themselves so I wouldn't have to shout.

I guess God has lots of stuff that keeps him really busy
But His world has gone to pot now and all the crap just makes me dizzy
Too many people needing guidance how to take their every step
And false prophets and religions are giving Spirit a bad rep

So anyway, if you are out and God stops you on your travels
Just point out to him the places where his knitting has unraveled
Offer Him some suggestions on how he can make things for everyone much better
And remind him that next Christmas time we want a moaner, not a sweater.

Friday, August 3, 2007

All about George.

George liked making things.

He was very good at it, indeed he had spent most of his life creating little inventions, the true virtue of which was usually only known to himself. For instance, as a child he developed and implemented a little device for the disposal of vegetables at the dinner table. It consisted of a flattened funnel which was connected to a long, wide tube, the bottom of which was tied to his leg and the top to his waistband. A quick flick of the wrist and those pesky peas were gone from sight. It didn't stand up so well to a hot cup of cocoa and neither did young George. He mothballed it until a better idea came along.

George liked to collect things. Small things that could be used to build his inventions. He combed garage sales and Op-shops, manufacturer's rubbish skips and loose change shops in his search for things he didn't know he wanted until he saw them. Lying there, waiting just for him. But no matter how hard he searched, he could not find the one thing he wanted - a marketable invention, one that would bring him fame and fortune.

He decided that some market research was called for and so set forth to find out what people wished they had, wished someone would make that they could buy. He went to church functions and movie theatres, bowling clubs and village fairs but nowhere did he hear of one special thing that could be invented and launch him as the successful inventor he knew he should be.

One day, as he sat glumly in the park watching the caretaker pick up rubbish with a spring loaded, pointy sticking-type stick (he'd invented that, you know, out of dressmaking pins and Bic biros, back in 1957) he overheard a conversation between two young women sitting on the next bench. The conversation led George to believe that what women the world over wanted (well, those with toilet seats) was an easy way of getting men to put the toilet seat down. George was astounded by this sudden input of knowledge and set off home in a rush, his mind overflowing with ideas of a new product that was sure to be a hit with at least 50% of the population.

He sat at his desk and he sketched and he drew, made notations and measurements and after only 9 days had the plans drawn up for a prototype remote operated toilet seat. He knew this one would be a winner. He just knew it. The principle was simple - equip an ordinary toilet seat with a small but very powerful motor that would lift the seat rapidly up and down at the clap of the hands, even from two rooms away. One clap to raise it (so the men wouldn't have too work too hard) and three claps to lower it (because women don't mind repeating themselves).

It was perfect.

Not only George thought so. The first lawyer he consulted smiled warmly as he insisted on helping George patent this great idea, all for a measly 40% holding in the new company he assured George he would have to form. George was gobsmacked - here was someone who though his idea was good!

And so it was. After much media hype and adulation from the scientific and engineering communities, the day of the prototype's public unveiling finally arrived and 5,000 people wathed from the packed audience as George took centre stage to demonstrate this wonderful new invention. He clapped once and the seat raised as if by magic, he clapped three times and the lid quickly and efficiently lowered itself. George repeated the performance a dozen times, then he clapped once more and sat primly upon his new throne to await the audiences reaction.

There was a stunned silence, then as one they rose and applauded, and as they did so the seat flapped up and down, up and down so fast it was almost a blur. George was pounded into a small, toilet bowl shaped lump of bleeding meat. Death came very quickly to George.

The subsequent Coroner's inquest found the cause of death to be the clap.